I put rants in here
honestly, honestly i’m so ugly and fat and horrendous that i don’t deserve anyone. no i’m not asking for compliments. no i’m not looking for reassurance. it’s a really hard fact that i’ve learned to accept, i’m literally too awful for anyone to even want to be with. i look in mirrors and i crumple. i go to school with girls who are so pretty and normal and i want to sit in the bathroom the entire day. until i become thinner and somehow find a hairstyle that makes my face less noticeable i’m basically giving up all want of a boyfriend or any kind of romantic relationship because it’d just be horrible. personal goals are set. bye.
It’s been almost three months, why do i still miss you so much? Why do I still get butterflies when i see your picture? Why do i still smile when i look over our old conversations and the things you said to me? To be honest, why’d you have to go, and when will you come back? This hurts too much.
It’s summer, so naturally you would come along. I don’t know what to do this time. I don’t. This year its more complicated. My best friend likes you and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I think you still like me. But you never talked to me all year, and it shows that this is a cycle. Comes a new season, comes a new text. I don’t want to hurt you again, but I don’t think there’s any other way.
last night was really fun. it was a surprise party for a really close guy friend of mine, and me and my other guy friend were put in charge of some parts of it. we all got on the bus and listened to dubstep and rap, and we got to the bowling ally and hung out until he got there and we all screamed surprise and i wish a thousand times that i could’ve seen his face, haha. his parents were so happy too, but i’ve never seen him that excited and actually emotional. he was completely taken back. everyone bowled and i sat down and talked to everyone, and sang along to the songs playing really loudly and hung out with another guy friend of mine. we talked alot, whenever we’re together it seems like our conversation just naturally fluxes and flows. my friends teased me that i liked him, and i don’t, but it was awkward anyway because he overheard. anyway, then the birthday boy pulled me over and told me how great everything was and how thankful he was i was literally so happy i could’ve smiled for hours. and he asked me for a hug and i basically died. everything was perfect. i sang along to bohemian rapsody and played air guitar and insulted stupid songs and laughed really hard, like really hard, tons of times.
it was just one of those nights i’m always going to remember for how happy i was, for two hours straight. his smile is like scorched into my head. i don’t like him but i like making him and everyone else happy. it was great and he was happy and we were all so carefree and everything was glowing.
usually i don’t type this horribly but i’m trying to get everything down.
I am seriously emotionally confused like what the fuck, what?
i lied so many times today omfg
my trust is broken with a lot of people right now and i haven’t told anyone my problems in ages because i honestly believe that they’ve left me behind. everyone is happy without me, i’ve known that for a long time, but the reality of it hits me every now and then. I am alone. I will probably always be alone because i don’t trust anyone anymore and i don’t like ruining people’s happiness for the sake of my own. if they’re content, why start complaining? if they’ve found what they’ve been looking for, why make them pay attention to me? I’m not important, i was never important. i can be placed in the back of someone’s memory and replaced so easily it’s ridiculous. i’m a replaceable person because i don’t tell people when i don’t agree. i don’t tell them my honest feelings, i let them walk all over me and tell me about how great their lives are going when i’m still caught behind, struggling with past problems that they think i’m over by now. i’m a ghost.
since i don’t trust anyone anymore, and i’m being replaced by everyone anyway, then maybe this is a nice time to disappear.
you can go ahead and forget about me now
this is such a cycle lol
let me continue to pretend being happy, to keep you happy, because that makes sense right.
I’m not supposed to hate you. I’m really not. But the way you’ve been acting towards me and everyone else lately is making me. Sorry, but if I dont mean anything to you anymore then I’m not going to put effort into a dying cause.
i need new friends. i need the kind of friends who just show up at my house for no reason and decide that we’re going somewhere. i need the kind of friends who’ll go to the beach in the middle of the night just to hang out. i need the kind of friends who actually listen to good music and won’t judge me on what i listen to. i need the kind of friends who constantly have their cellphone on so i can call all of them if i need them. i need the kind of friends that i would want to hang out with and not feel the need to. i don’t need the kind of friends who make me go home crying three days a week.
maybe i should leave chase and go somewhere else next year.
Now I’m wondering if everything you said to me over the summer was a complete lie. If you said the same things to her as you did to me, trying to reach the same goal. but you didn’t expect me to say no, multiple times. I’m not as easy as her. You’re a coward and would make a horrible boyfriend, so consider yourself lucky that you have someone to make out with at all. i’m glad i rejected you, lol. now i see how low you’ve gotten.
i can use your own argument against you right now
it’s just like, why the fuck bother with telling me all those things when you’re in a relationship anyway. i don’t believe any of it now, like at all. it just made me feel worse about myself, that i’m not good enough. i’m never good enough. ever. thanks a whole lot, you don’t know how much i appreciate it.
No one actually gets it. No one.
You wanted me to see that.
And it pissed me off.
I actually really hate both of you as a couple hahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Make fun of me all you want, at least mine will mean something
I don’t even know what to say kjasfaksd
Literally I can never win. I’m always wrong.